When you grow up in the Bible Belt, there’s always unspoken expectations placed on who we should be, how we should act- the image we should portray. Images created from the legalistic views of religion passed down to us. For many Gays who grow up in this environment, there’s a struggle that tends to be associated with it- a struggle to be you. Trust me, I am no exception- hence, that’s why I’ve decided to write and share with you a lot of the fucked up shit that’s happened to me along the way- and honestly, some of the shit I’ve fucked up too!
Welcome to the mind of Gabriel! Enjoy the ride… shit gets so effing bumpy!
Like most Gays in the south, we all have a Brad. Brad is honestly the person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. That person that I met by happenstance at 16, the person who influenced a lot of who I became, the person that taught me no matter how much love you have for someone, sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Brad comes from a family with incredibly strong Christian views, and no matter how good of a person I am; no matter how handsome I look; no matter how docile and conforming I can be, for Brad and his family I could have never been enough- I wasn’t a woman. For Brad, the six years of my life that I gave could never be enough- Brad needed to publicly bash the gays, attend church every Sunday, and then secretly fuck me like a jack rabbit in the church’s attic, his truck, his family’s game room, his house while his roommate was asleep, YOU NAME IT!
Anyone reading this, I don’t condemn religion- in fact, I have a Christian education from one of the most renowned Christian universities in North America. I condemn Brad’s. I condemn the bigots who hide behind religion like a crutch- marrying women all while secretly destroying the confidence of men brave enough to be themselves because they’re too afraid.
You see, Brad was a coward. Brad is who we don’t want to be. The thing about Brad is that the day he told me in an argument, “I could give a fuck about you,” is the day I realized- Brad is right, this isn’t love. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t all I am worth. This isn’t what I should settle for. The type of guy I should be with isn’t one who could love me in private, but one who could adorn me for the fucking world to see. I feel there is a young gay reading this right now and needs to hear what I needed to hear at that stage in my life- it gets better. It’s tough, you will mentally break at times, but it gets better. With phenomenal friends and a shit ton of vodka, you will persevere.
Brad married a woman like you all probably suspected. It would have never been me.
To those who’re reading this, don’t be sad-
Wake Up. Be Beyonce