Recently I found myself identifying with a subcategory I swore to myself that I never would, “it’s complicated.”
In the last few months, a guy has come back into my life and I suddenly find myself experiencing a whirlwind of emotion. It’s obsessive- it’s concerned- it’s manic- it’s intrigued- it’s simply unexplainable.
Christian is a strikingly handsome guy, has a very “fratty” personality, and is in tune with me in a way I have never had before. Though I feel Christian and I stand on different planes when it comes to being in a relationship, he awakens a side to me that I didn’t know existed. Forever encouraging me to explore the world, make mistakes unapologetically, and most importantly- never settle for what I don’t want, even in regard to himself. It’s refreshing.
The thing that scares me the most about Christian is… I think I like him. I know, you’re reading this like, “Is that such a bad thing?” For me, I feel that dating in 2017 is such a game of who can keep the upper hand the longest, allowing myself to admit I want him leaves me in a realm to get hurt; a realm to get rejected; a realm to be let down by something he does. For me, I want Christian to be the one to make all the moves and make us official. A lot of guys chase him, I get on social media and see it, and quite frankly I can understand why.
In a fantastic book I read by Aziz Ansari, he says something along the lines of, with social media it’s a lot harder to find someone these days, but we are also a lot more likely to end up with someone we are excited about.
Aziz is right, I’m ever aware that I am competing and mentally I sometimes wonder if I am the best option.
Christian has the type of personality I can’t stay mad at for long. He’s who I want to call when I am drunk on a bathroom floor crying (it happens sometimes), my favorite MLB player gets married, or I just found a new workout and need to try it! In a way, he’s becoming my best friend- that’s scary shit!
All I know is I’m digging the ride, as uncertain as it feels right now.
I think in 2017 we all need to stop being afraid and let ourselves fall a little. Heartbreak is inevitable, but are we allowing the fear of it to stop us from being happy?
… It’s complicated.