When did we become a society where emotion is viewed as weakness? Something to apologize for? As if events shouldn’t evoke a response from us, positive- or- negative.
It wasn’t until I received a call this week from someone needing me to see her through a rough moment of life, temptation, that I wondered who would be my 2am call. The honest truth is; I probably wouldn’t make the call.
Maybe it’s the alpha environment I’ve always been subjected to- maybe it’s the fact that most guys I’ve dated truly can’t handle the emotional side of me, but I have become accustomed to being tied together with a smile at all hours.
This week, information surfaced regarding an ex. An ex that honestly stole my heart and made me fall head- over- heels from an ocean away. Yet, the first time he ever saw me experience a hint of neurotic emotion while drunk (because who hasn’t done that?), it truly marked the downfall of us. The months of staying up all night talking on the phone- sharing our darkest secrets and fears- discussing where we wanted to go in life, none of that mattered!
Despite getting on with my life (you can’t make someone accept that your flaws are a part of the package for everything they like), reading the allegations of a potential sex video (made during the time I was falling so hard for him in another country) stopped me dead in my tracks. I sat in the Arby’s drive- thru saying, “Don’t cry- this isn’t worth it.”
You see, I will tell you all something that I haven’t told anyone else. Being able to depend on someone from that far away, tell him things I’d be embarrassed to share with anyone else, the ability to feel accepted and wanted- I think I loved him.
Love, something I feel I give- yet never get back. Something I’ve never been told. Something that sometimes I feel I will never have.
But for today, I will stay tied together. As always, the…
Life of the Party