Tomorrow… I’ll Know Better.

Tomorrow… I’ll Know Better.

“I hope when you find someone you love they cheat on you.”

This is a statement that echoes in my mind.

I know it’s been a while, but hi guys- it’s me. Gabe. This summer was so busy; I can’t even explain! And I know what you’re wondering, “GABE! What the fuck is up with that quote?!” Well, let’s crack open my summer a little bit. I promise you, we are only scratching the surface on the continuous journey I like to call life and learning.

If you’ve read my other blogs, great news, I’ve moved on from Christian and finally gotten back out into the dating scene. It’s been awkward, exciting, reluctances- a complete spectrum of emotions. But finally, in the sea of attractive faces and no depth, I found Russel. For me, Russ was such a needle in a haystack. A genuinely sweet, smart, funny guy who loves fitness and healthy living as much as I. Seemingly the jackpot. He made me laugh, held my hand, was proud to tell every gay guy that hollered at him, he’s taken by me. But like all fairytales… they end. You see, Russ never told me a huge part… Russel has a wife.

I know what you’re all thinking, why didn’t I immediately run in the opposite direction? Well, in large cities it is fairly common to hear of open relationships, and after being assured the wife had no qualms, I felt I could enter a friendship with no issues. In fact, we were issueless until an old friend entered the picture… hello tequila. It’s been a while.

The problem with tequila is that whatever inhibitions that were present are no more. And the sparks that existed pre- wife came right back. Music, tequila, strobe lights… the combination for romance and these hips didn’t lie. These hips were so damn honest, I still haven’t seen the shirt I wore that night since. It was just a kiss I told myself, you can forget that and move right along. We all know the issue here is that whatever is done in the night under strobes eventually have to face daylight. Now re-read the initial quote and let that simmer in your mind for a moment…

So, what do I say back? Your husband told me you were open, and I tried to avoid it- but slipped for one moment? I’m sorry I hurt you, it’s not what I wanted to do? Let’s pitch this situation to TLC and get a reality show… actually, TLC isn’t touching this hot fucking mess of a situation. I know we aren’t replacing Chip and Joanne, but maybe you’ll see me on HBO soon, keep you all posted!

What Russ’ wife didn’t know is that I know that feeling all too well. Story of my life really. What she also doesn’t know right now is that she’s not upset with me. She’s deflecting, she’s so hurt and upset with him, it’s easier to place it on me. She’s so upset with herself for the instant forgiveness that it’s easier to place the blame on me. Her husband seeking me is out the window; her husband not telling me she existed is out the window; her husband saying they were open and continuing the friendship though we had an attraction was out the window… right now she sees that Gabe came in like a bad bitch fresh off the set of a Beyonce video and lured her husband.

Right now she’s asking herself what she could do to be better. Right now she’s asking herself how she found this amazing guy and she still isn’t enough. Right now she’s asking herself how many others are there. And for me, I get it all… so today, I’ll be the bad guy. Today I will take the blame… because I knew to run, because I have experienced this. I was so excited to meet someone I had so much in common with, I tempted fate, I gambled and I lost…

Tonight, I’ll be sad and lonely. Tomorrow… I’ll know better.

– Gabe

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Timing is Everything…

Timing is Everything…

Sometimes I sit and ponder the intricacies of timing. How in one minute, things can take a drastic turn… if you would have been one minute quicker with a word, or one minute earlier, would things be exactly how they are now?

Those questions always resonate with me when dealing with a flame- turned- friend. Somehow, it seems that after you’re done, that is when they truly realize what you brought to the table. When they start to become the person that you always saw them to be. I feel Selena Gomez says it best, “Lighting me up like Venus, then you disappear and make me wait.” It’s like once you walk away, they exuberate the best in themselves to lure you back in- to get you to that place of, “is timing going to be everything? Is there a change?”

You see, sometimes we can see all the best in someone, we can see what they will become. However, potential is useless if untapped. I am currently challenging myself to not look at potential, but look at who a person is today. That’s not to say I expect a complete package, but someone can only be what they want- not what you see them becoming.

I will never ask someone to change the things I find attractive about them- however, I will not apologize for expecting them to match my effort. Match my effort while together, not in the wake of losing me.

My greatest issue in love isn’t over-analyzing, it’s seeing potential in those who haven’t found it in themselves yet. My second greatest issue is developing the strength to call it quits- but I’m getting stronger. I’ve challenged myself to not seek the man of my dreams, but to be the man of my dreams. The rest will buff out.

Timing is everything… but don’t let it pass you by dealing with the same bullshit.

 

-Gabe

I’m Still A Guy…

I’m Still A Guy…

Recently I read a riveting blog in regards to the LGBT community. It mainly discussed racism versus preferences, and though I absolutely feel that dating or refusing to date someone based solely on race is idiotic, it did make me wonder why people are so against you wanting to date someone that you have things in common with. When I say, “things in common,” I don’t mean go out and try to find the narcissistic construct that often exists in the gay community where men find their long-lost twin and look like the fucking Olsen’s on Instagram, but actually finding someone that you have things in common with.

I know some of you are reading and may be worried I’m about to attempt to defend the blatant ignorance of “no rice, no spice,” or, “No fats- no fems- no blacks, mainly looking for white- sorry, that’s my preference,” often seen on dating networks. NO! Fuck that, that’s ignorant. I operate under the policy of, “I’ll give anyone a shot… once.” By that, I mean I will give anyone a shot to woo me, but don’t think just because we’re both gay, we’re going to click.

 

I have a dating type that is often very scrutinized within the gay community and one which I DO NOT apologize for. I have a lot of straight male and female friends, as well as gay male and female friends. I do my best to not focus my circle on my sexuality, but on people- for me it is extremely important to have a partner who does the same. In dating I want someone who can go out with my straight bros and EDM, catch sports and just be one of the guys, just as much as I want someone who can enjoy a good kiki or drag show with the girls or our gay circle. I’m continuously told, “You like frat guys and that’s why you get hurt.” So, should I sacrifice my ambitions, my desires, my wants in a partner just to be in a relationship? You see- I hope those reading this are of the like mind, I would rather be alone than unhappy. For me, I am attracted to the core elements of what makes a guy- a guy. I LOVE BEING A GUY. I LOVE HAVING A PENIS. I WANT YOU TO ALSO!  I want you to have that passion, that aggression, that protective nature. I want you to mesh with my friends. I want you to love the gym as much as I do. I want to care about the same things! You can’t control love, but you can control settling- love isn’t something you settle on. Love isn’t a McDonalds burger.

 

Don’t apologize for preferences when they’re indeed preferences. That word has become such a taboo word in the gay community due to its blatant misuse, it became the politically correct term for racist, xenophobic, and narcissistic. Let’s call people on their shit and take back the word, “preferences.” Preferences can be a good thing, preferences mean we know what we want- we know what we’re looking for- we’re attempting to have things in common with someone and actually get to know them to see if we will click. People that are Black, White, Asian, Christian, Muslim, fem and fat can possess every single quality I just described.

 

“All my eyebrows ain’t plucked, there’s a gun in my truck. Oh thank God,

I’m Still a Guy.”

-Gabe

Save Myself

Save Myself

At times, I sit down at my laptop and begin writing to you all. I write to you about some things I haven’t ever shared with friends or family- some of my most personal moments, so much in fact that at times I feel you all must think I’m certifiable. But in this blog, I’m basically Carrie Bradshaw revealing all of my exploits to you all.

But this week I realized why I write to you;

We often have a reverend stop by my job. He’s a very jovial person- BEAUTIFUL chocolate man with a the most perfect smile and dapper sense of style. I’m about to get in trouble with the Lord if I keep talking to y’all about my feelings on this reverend! Anyways, this week the reverend said to me, “Gabriel! I want you to know that from what everyone says about you and from what I see, you go through life radiating the most positivity like you’ve never had a problem in your life!”

That moment was such a numbing moment for me. It honestly caught me off guard. As you all know, I could write a novel on the struggle of life- and- love. I often feel I experience things I don’t deserve, but I try to move through it. In that moment, I realize why I write this blog.

You see, with you all I can let my guard down. With you all I can receive a therapy that I get nowhere else. I can cry, I can say why I’m hurt, I can tell you all that people are shitty! In venting to you all, I let go of things in my everyday life. It made me realize that I have to save myself before I can save anyone else… and for that, I thank you all.

And this is why I write…

to Save Myself

– Gabe

A Letter to Me…

A Letter to Me…

Sometimes I think back to the me at 17 and am in awe of how different I have become. For me, that was the age I first felt love. At times, I look back at the goals that 17-year-old kid had and realize how different I am today. I have so much I wish I could say to that kid, so many lessons, but allowing you all to read must do.

 

Dear Gabriel,

As you read this letter, you’re so young, so naïve, so innocent and unsuspecting of the world you will come to know. I envy you, I envy that unenlightened bliss that you have now. As you read this you’re probably sitting in the pick-up truck of the cute freckled face boy with strawberry blonde hair that you’re convinced you will spend your life with. His boyish smile can still melt your heart and fix any mood. You’re so unsuspecting of the light that the boy you feel is the hero of your heart is going to take from you. You’re naïve of the hearts that you’re going to break in the wake of your hurt following him. You’re so inexperienced in karma and all the failed relationships you’re going to have.

Gabriel, as bleak as that sounds, I want you to know that things will get better. Maintain the positivity you carry through every day. Know that no matter the obstacle you will overcome it. Know your worth and refuse to compromise it for anyone, regardless of how much it breaks your heart at time. You see Gabriel, I know you won’t read these words… but the man I am today often needs to hear these things. The man I am today needs to look back at times and see just how far I’ve come and remind myself of where I am going. Gabriel, for every time our heart has broken (and for every heart we have broken- trust me, you’re going to break a few), it’s part of our path. Gabriel I have faith that me in the future is reading this letter so happy I wrote and told you not to give up, because in the therapy of writing this, I’m propelling myself forward through tomorrow. Sometimes we have to keep it together even when we’re falling apart, and Gabriel that’s okay.

If only I could write a letter to me at 17…

– Gabriel

Life of the Party

Life of the Party

When did we become a society where emotion is viewed as weakness? Something to apologize for? As if events shouldn’t evoke a response from us, positive- or- negative.

It wasn’t until I received a call this week from someone needing me to see her through a rough moment of life, temptation, that I wondered who would be my 2am call. The honest truth is; I probably wouldn’t make the call.

Maybe it’s the alpha environment I’ve always been subjected to- maybe it’s the fact that most guys I’ve dated truly can’t handle the emotional side of me, but I have become accustomed to being tied together with a smile at all hours.

This week, information surfaced regarding an ex. An ex that honestly stole my heart and made me fall head- over- heels from an ocean away. Yet, the first time he ever saw me experience a hint of neurotic emotion while drunk (because who hasn’t done that?), it truly marked the downfall of us. The months of staying up all night talking on the phone- sharing our darkest secrets and fears- discussing where we wanted to go in life, none of that mattered!

Despite getting on with my life (you can’t make someone accept that your flaws are a part of the package for everything they like), reading the allegations of a potential sex video (made during the time I was falling so hard for him in another country) stopped me dead in my tracks. I sat in the Arby’s drive- thru saying, “Don’t cry- this isn’t worth it.”

You see, I will tell you all something that I haven’t told anyone else. Being able to depend on someone from that far away, tell him things I’d be embarrassed to share with anyone else, the ability to feel accepted and wanted- I think I loved him.

Love, something I feel I give- yet never get back. Something I’ve never been told. Something that sometimes I feel I will never have.

But for today, I will stay tied together. As always, the…

Life of the Party

– Gabe

Today I Didn’t Give A Fuck

Today I Didn’t Give A Fuck

Today was my first day back to work in over three weeks. From the moment my alarm clock sounded off- to the moment I got in my car- to the moment I arrived at the office, today just felt different.

Before leaving for the holidays, I recall being beyond stressed. Stress from my bosses, stress from my colleagues, stress from my subordinates. But today, today just felt different. It wasn’t until one of my peers brought me an issue that I realized today felt different, because I was different. Though a lot of the stress I had been feeling over 2016 gave me the ability to feel again, my approach was severely different today.

“Sometimes you’re not going to do shit right and it’s going to piss people off, but that’s life and we aren’t living to make others happy.”

In that moment I thought to myself, “What the fuck was that? Are you fucking on some, Tony Robbins shit today?” Honestly though, even in that moment of mentally chastising myself, I knew it was probably the most insightful and advantageous thing I could have ever passed down as a leader.

You see, we spend so much time worrying. We spend so much time trying to be the image of perfection- the best- the superstar, we unwittingly drive ourselves to the brink of our emotions. It’s okay to say, “I don’t like who I was today.” It’s okay to say, “I don’t like who I am becoming.” However, it’s not okay to make these type of self- analysis due to the stress or expectations of others or some bullshit depiction of what- or- where our lives should be from what we see on social media.

Life isn’t some ivory tower. Some days you’re going to fight with the devil and go down swinging in the battle of this thing called life.

Today…

Today I didn’t give a fuck.

– Gabe